Still Learning

I thought a few days ago that I was ready to start heading off on a new path, ready to stat heading up to a higher spot in my safe place.  How wrong was I, it seems He has other ideas.

The last few days have been very strange for me.  Before I used to keep emotions bottled up, afraid to show the world what I was feeling or how I was doing.  I didn't want to worry those close to me about my fears and thought I could deal with them all myself. Hmmm ... how times have changed. Shortly after I started to believe, I was out for a walk with my guide and she asked me how I was doing.  This was not unusual, but what happened next really caught me by surprise.  Every emotion I knew went through me, almost all at once.  I had tears on my face, a smile trying to break through, worry, joy and I know not what to call the others.  To say I was a little confused would be an understatement, I really had no idea what was happening to me at the time I don't even think I really knew where I was.  I give thanks to my guide, to whom I was expecting to be giving help and advice on the walk, for she was so composed and calm, she comforted me, listened patiently whilst I tried to explain in a rather jumbled fashion what had happened.  As always she had the right words for me, the right response and the right place to look for guidance.  Her calm manner reassured. Most importantly she didn't think I had gone insane. Now, back to the last few days.  As I said, I never used to 'do' emotions, they were always hidden and buried out of site, especially from others.  For reasons I won't go into for now I had a very sad moment in my life.  In the past I would have dismissed this, or at least trampled it down into submission and got on with my life thinking 'Oh well, it's happened again!'.   I went to bed with tears in my eyes and, as what is now a usual part of my day, I lay there and thought about my prayers for the day.  In amongst my prayers I sought for the strength to find Hope so that I could move on without a heavy heart.  In His wisdom He showed me what Hope looked like for me, quite literally a vision of what could be.  I suddenly found that, instead of crying myself to sleep, I was suddenly wide awake and filled with Joy, a huge smile on my face.

Two months ago if someone had told me I would be seeking strength from God and having visions I would have laughed, for I did not believe these things really happened. I now daily give thanks for what He has provided, I find comfort in His words. This is still so strange to me, but I think if my guide reads this she may well have a wry little smile, and may well be thinking that she told me that anything to do with Him will be crazy.

This seemed to be the start of a series of lessons He had in stall for me.  Lessons on sacrifice and unselfishness.  These too involved being shown things. At times when I questioned my motives on episodes in my past, questions on how I had led my life and the choices I had made.  I was shown what could have been, what the consequences would have been if I had made different choices.  That was an interesting one, and really not what I expected.  Apart from a few very strange decisions, I seem to have made good choices, to have done the right thing, although not for the reasons I would choose now.  Do I regret the strange decisions ... NO.  For without those decisions I would not be who I am now, I would not have found my peace, with God at my side and perpetually in my thoughts.  I know why I made the decisions and some were made for the wrong reasons, but there are no regrets and I have the knowledge that they have now been shared with God and I am at peace. So, before I start looking for higher things, before I wander up my path to the mountain top, I think I have to rest here a little longer and see what further lessons He has in mind for me.

The sharing of knowledge can wait a while longer ... this is not a problem, patience is a good lesson too :)