Retrospective

A final look back at the journey with my friend and what has changed in me.

The most obvious change is from agnostic to believing in God, and from there to accepting Jesus as my Saviour.  The first part of that process was the painful and confusing part - it is the part I resisted to the extent that I quite spent nights lying awake and in tears trying to figure out a way to avoid it.  In the end, with a few pointers from Him, I realised that I could no longer dispute His existence and, although I had an option, the alternative to accepting Him into my life was not a route I could follow as it would have been destructive for myself and at least one other.  Accepting Jesus was entirely different and, once I realised what had happened and calmed down a lot, a logical next step.  That was such a calm and peaceful process.  Along the way I have seen and experienced many things that if anyone had told me about at the start of this year I would have probably laughed at them.

My views on the Church and attending services have changed.  Even after I had accepted God I thought I could get away without attending Church.  This has changed so much, but it is a little ironic that the first time in 40 years that I want to attend, and the first time in my life that I would really understand, it is not possible due to the pandemic lock down.  So at the moment I attend a remote service broadcast on a Sunday morning from by a local group of parish churches.  Once the lock down is ended, I will attend.  It may not be every week, but it will be on a regular basis.

On a more personal basis so many things that were bad habits, things that were done for vanity, for personal gratification, or just a way to fill in boredom stopped the instant I accepted God into my heart.  I didn't even notice this until I finally looked back a few weeks later, and was really rather surprised by this.  I don't miss those things, in fact I am glad I have now put them behind me.  As for boredom, well, I am never alone as I can always have a conversation with God during those quiet times.

I have learnt to consider things I do, to not just do things on automatic pilot. From this I now go on needs rather than wants and feel so much better for it.

Emotionally this has been a really topsy-turvy journey.  I used to be so stoic, not letting my emotions show for fear of it being seen a weakness.   I now find that there are some I can't suppress, some that just well up to fill the place that always used to be a void.  These emotions are joy, happiness, sadness and sorrow.  I have always known I have a horrible temper and have for a long time kept that suppressed and would walk or run away from situations rather than let that horror loose on another.  I think now I have to be even more careful of this, as starting from a much calmer space it has a lot more time to build it's strength if I let it.  

From these emotions I have become a lot more empathic, a lot more willing to discuss emotional conflict in myself and in others.  I find that I have the words to help, although sometimes I do still get it wrong and worsen the situation before I help to make it better.

My knowledge base, built up from reading hundreds, if not thousands, of books is left intact and does not conflict with my beliefs in any way.  Some of my opinions may have changed a little, but not that much.  But I now find I have no more appetite for devouring books like this.  I have one book left I want to read, one book I never used to possess, The Bible.  This will be read in an entirely different way.   It will be done in very small steps, 15-30 minutes at a time and making sure I properly understand what I am reading, how I can apply what I learn to my life, how I can help others with what I am learning.

My view on what I should be doing with my life has really changed.  For several reasons I no longer want to be in my present position, but looking round at options I find I really want to change career.  Despite my best intentions, and the company rhetoric, I seem to have ended up yet again in a position where helping people and looking after the staff takes second place to business decisions.  This has happened twice now, and I think it is time for a proper change.  At the moment I am not sure what, and have to make a decision soon on stay put whilst I do some access courses or change jobs just to make some money whilst I do the courses I need to access more training.  I still do not know what I want to do, but I think it will be working with people in some kind of teaching or caring profession for that is the direction my heart is heading at the moment.

If you look back through some previous posts you will see I have changed my mind at various points.  I have had my confused moments, and made mistakes. I have had to ask forgiveness of a friend on several occasions.  I really hope not too many though, as losing the friend who has been my companion on this journey would be such a sad thing. It has been such an experience sharing our journeys that, although it has been traumatic for both of us at times, it would be a shame not to see how they get on, how well and far they travel on their path.  It would be a pleasure to walk beside them again. If He has plans for me to help them on their way and our paths have chance to properly cross again I will rejoice.