One Journeys End - A Summary

I finally do now seem to have reached the end of my journey, well, at least this first one. I am sure that when required He will provide me a new path to tread, but for now I am finally here. So this post is a bit of a summary, a comparison of where I was versus where I am. My writing will continue, but more on organising and sharing of my knowledge. At the start of this journey, at the start of this year, I was an agnostic, although many thought me atheist. Not surprising, giving my views on some things. I had no need to believe, I had all the strength and resources I required without reaching out. I did not discount the possibility of a god, but I certainly did not believe that a man born some 2000 or so years ago was his son. My views on religion and those that attended church were based on a relatively restricted view from the outside. The only reasons I had stepped foot in a church in the last 40 years were for a wedding or to take photos as I admired the architecture. One little comment from a very close friend changed that. It was regarding a choice she was considering for a change of career at which she thought I was going to laugh. But no, that would have been far too easy, for both of us it turns out. It appears He had other ideas which were unexpected to say the least. Our discussions deepened and it turned much more towards me asking myself  if I was right to not believe. The first real change came about when she shared Footsteps with me. It made me start to think that it might not have been my inner strength I had called on at times of crisis. I started reading a lot to understand her view point in life, took more note of the things she said, and properly read some things she shared. On Ash Wednesday, despite not being a believer at this point, I thought I would try and give up some bad snacking habits for Lent. It was a few days later that she explained to me that it was not about sacrifice but about considering what you do. Lots of strange things happened so quickly, things I used to call coincidences but now see as signs or planed events. Some very surreal moments that had me looking up to the sky and saying out loud “Really!”. Then one night, laying in bed, after several hours of tears streaming down my face, I finally gave in. My tears were for several reasons, one of which was I feared I would have to re-learn everything I thought I new, the other main fear was of being weak by asking for help. I had reached a dilemma, one I couldn’t solve in any way other than to ask for His strength to help me through - for reasons that couldn’t be explained at the time it did seem to be really rather urgent that I accepted God existed at this moment, that I welcome him into my life. My fears turned out to be unfounded, my knowledge is intact but now looked at differently, and the strength I can call on now is far, far greater than it could have ever been before welcoming Him into my life. Then came a week of confusion until I finally settled down. Thank you my friend for being there through this time, for being so very patient with me, for not chastising but gently guiding, for I think I would have gone quite mad without you. The following week I was hit by coronavirus, the most scary illness I have ever had. My new found calm place, my ability to stay focused and not panic helped me through. Without this I think I may have panicked, which would have had rather severe consequences. Struggling to breath with chest hurting I found I could call on Him to help me through by staying still and staying relaxed without gasping and coughing and making things worse. At times I was so scared I almost called out for an ambulance but this fear quickly passed with His help. 5 weeks on I am still struggling to recover from the effects of this, my lungs and chest feel battered and bruised, but I will recover properly in time. I managed to avoid being hospitalised for which I give thanks to God, and also avoided using up precious healthcare resources that are required for more urgent cases than mine. This may explain the urgency in Gods calling, for it happened just in time. At this point I was happy with God in my life, but over the next few weeks felt I was missing something. I didn’t consider attending a Church service, as I still had misconceived ideas on this and the type of people who attended. I still didn’t acknowledge Jesus for who He is. Again another very confused week really not knowing what I was seeking. Again my friend has been so patient and understanding and calmed me down when I knew not where to turn, pointing me at different resources to look through. And again, many things that were obvious signs leading to what I needed to do. Before I could attend a service I knew I needed to do one final thing. I needed to do this properly or not at all. Heading back to denial, or worse, really wasn’t an option any more, and despite that being an easy choice to pick the prospect of losing what I have so recently found was seriously frightening. So, one quiet moment on Saturday evening I finally accepted Jesus back into my life and returned to the fold. I looked back through my life with Him in my heart looking at what I have done. I confessed and wept for my wrongs and acknowledged Him as my My Lord and My Saviour. I thought the calm I felt before was complete, but this was like nothing else. Serenity is the only word I know to describe where I was. The next morning I found a local church where, due to the pandemic restrictions, the service was being streamed. I was gifted the time and space to attend. For the first time ever I properly understood where I was and why. I have found a place that may not answer my questions, but at least lets me deal with them in a calm manner. I also seem to have become more comforting and compassionate than I ever was before. Due to the pandemic imposed lockdown myself and partner are stuck at home. At times this leads to a certain level of stress as we do not get our own time or space. I now find I can calm these situations down rather than escalate them. I can help my partner rebalance rather than drive her deeper into her worries and fears. So now I am here. I have returned to the fold of Christianity which is something I would never have thought possible. I offer up my thanks and prayers each day. At any quiet moment I have I find I have God in my heart and the words of Jesus in my thoughts. I am much more considered and calm than I ever was. So that was my journey, and a very unexpected one. I am so glad I did not laugh at my friend. And so glad that, despite my mistakes, my clumsy confused times, and the heavy burdens she herself has had to deal with through these times , she has always been there when I have most needed her, she has always helped and calmed me. Thank you my friend - you really are something quite special and a rather remarkable young lady. I wish you well on the path you are on for your calling is a great one and much needed in the crazy mess we have made of the world He gave us. If at any time you stumble or need a little support I will forever be here for you.